All the Bad Advice

I asked for a sign. She keyed it into my truck.

Tee · Hoodie

My biggest financial mistake had a wedding photographer.

Tee · Hoodie

If you're going to make a bad decision, at least make a good story.

Tee · Hoodie

Never trust a fart, a bald tire, or "he's just a friend."

Tee · Hoodie

You can't fix crazy. But apparently you can marry it.

Tee · Hoodie

A soulmate is just somebody you haven't divorced yet.

Tee · Hoodie

Never make permanent decisions based on temporary boobs.

Tee · Hoodie

She said I needed to grow up. So I bought a bigger toolbox.

Tee · Hoodie

Every relationship teaches you something. Mine taught me to keep receipts.

Tee · Hoodie

Marriage is just dating with paperwork and consequences.

Tee · Hoodie

I used to have money. Then I had a wedding.

Tee · Hoodie

A man's home is his castle. Until mediation.

Tee · Hoodie

Never text your ex after midnight. That's how sequels happen.

Tee · Hoodie

Never argue with a woman holding screenshots.

Tee · Hoodie

If she says she's fine, you're already fucked.

Tee · Hoodie

A wedding ring is the world's smallest handcuff with the biggest payment plan.

Tee · Hoodie

My ex said I never listen. Or something like that.

Tee · Hoodie

A good woman will change your life. A bad one will change your address.

Tee · Hoodie

The secret to a happy marriage is still a secret.

Tee · Hoodie

Always marry your second wife first. Saves a shitload of money.

Tee · Hoodie

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and buy motorcycle parts.

Tee · Hoodie

Marriage taught me patience. Divorce taught me passwords.

Tee · Hoodie

She wanted space. I wanted a garage. Everybody won.

Tee · Hoodie

Marriage is temporary. Toolboxes are forever.

Tee · Hoodie

I'm not saying you're slow... but your lunch break just lapped you.

Tee · Hoodie

Can't see it from my house.

Tee · Hoodie

Cross-threaded is better than no threads.

Tee · Hoodie

We do it nice because we do it twice.

Tee · Hoodie

That ain't fucked up. That's custom.

Tee · Hoodie

I don't know what you're building, but I hope it has insurance.

Tee · Hoodie

You don't need a toolbox. You need a supervisor.

Tee · Hoodie

I've seen better work done with a rock.

Tee · Hoodie

$10,000 worth of tools. 50¢ worth of knowledge.

Tee · Hoodie

I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

Tee · Hoodie

I've seen monkeys fuck a football with more organization.

Tee · Hoodie

You're not the dumbest person on this jobsite. But you better hope he doesn't die.

Tee · Hoodie

If I find out who's doing all this shitty work, I'm giving him a raise. Apparently he's doing EVE...

Tee · Hoodie

I got more done right this morning than you fucked up all week.

Tee · Hoodie

Life is hard. It's harder when you're stupid.

Tee · Hoodie

If I wanted to do it myself, I'd swap you for a mule.

Tee · Hoodie

He's a hard worker. Everything is too hard for him.

Tee · Hoodie

It's hard to swing a hammer with both hands covering your ass.

Tee · Hoodie

Hit it with your purse.

Tee · Hoodie

Measure twice. Cut thrice.

Tee · Hoodie

Beat to fit. Paint to match.

Tee · Hoodie

When in doubt, grind it out.

Tee · Hoodie

Grinder and paint make me the welder I ain't.

Tee · Hoodie

Do your best. Caulk the rest.

Tee · Hoodie

If it don't look right, check it at night.

Tee · Hoodie

Good from far. Far from good.

Tee · Hoodie

Good enough is our battle cry.

Tee · Hoodie

Fuck 'em. They shouldn't have sent us.

Tee · Hoodie

Stupid pays the same as smart.

Tee · Hoodie

You were born alone. You'll die alone. You can cut that shit alone.

Tee · Hoodie

I'll knock you out, wake you up, and tell you where you went wrong.

Tee · Hoodie

That wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

Tee · Hoodie

Your name must be Sensor. You only work when somebody walks by.

Tee · Hoodie

Your nickname should be C-Section. You're afraid of labor.

Tee · Hoodie

Carry this plant around. It'll replace the oxygen you're wasting.

Tee · Hoodie

You can be dumb or lazy. You sure as hell better not be both.

Tee · Hoodie

Working with you is like working by myself, but harder.

Tee · Hoodie

Meeting a girl in a park = good. Parking your meat in a girl = great.

Tee · Hoodie

You're not a journeyman. You're a fucking journey.

Tee · Hoodie

Your tools deserve a better owner.

Tee · Hoodie